Which Came First: Questions/Answers

It is a day in June shortly before the summer solstice. The weather here has been very humid, almost like God has some gigantic misting machine over the city. One day it was so thick you could not see for a block. It is June Gloom with warmth, though there is a cool breeze and it can be almost cold in the shade.

I have been struggling with living life in the slow lane. There is something about doing nothing that makes me very uncomfortable. I don’t know if it is fear or guilt. Fear that somehow if I keep moving I can take care of everything, that I can arrange everything, and that I am not vulnerable. Or maybe it is the unconscious belief that if I keep moving I can keep the feelings at bay. Or do I just get bored easily. Do I need bright shiny things to distract me? I don’t know the answers to these questions, I don’t even know if these are the right questions. I feel there is a lesson here; I just don’t know what it is. But I am willing to learn.

There are moments when I think, “What was I thinking?” I have a lovely home, lovely friends and family, in a lovely area, with lovely weather. What am I doing here? Among the new experiences there are shades of homesickness, missing friends and family, familiar places and routines.

I wonder why I am here, why was it so important to me to be here. I am out of my element, do not have the comforts of home, like a shower that you can adjust to warm water and have it stay at that temperature for a reasonable amount of time. Here the shower changes temperature on a whim, the hot water heater, if you can call it that, is the size of a cereal box. Very odd indeed.

Nothing is built square here, it is all at angles and gerry rigged. It makes for many interesting designs and cubbies. There is no urban planning, no subdivisions with graded lots. Houses are just built and added as space permits, up hillsides and down hillsides. Roads occur, not at random, but because it is a path traveled. Vehicles are parked on sidewalks or in fields. It is the way things are done here. It makes for some very interesting spaces and shadows.

Last week end there was an athletic tournament on the beach. It looked like soccer only with hands instead of feet. We decided that was probably fortuitous since a game of kicking the ball in the sand would be a tad messy and not good for the eyes. Did you hear that, a “tad messy?” It’s the British.